


Hold On, I Still Love You

by Reyn



Category: One Piece
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Open Relationships, POV Vinsmoke Sanji, Snippets, Somewhat, also somewhat, side ZoLaw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 18:46:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19234981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reyn/pseuds/Reyn
Summary: Sanji struggles to come to terms with the impact his decisions have caused on his relationship with Zoro.Post-Wano arc.





	Hold On, I Still Love You

**Author's Note:**

> I've been sitting on this story for _years_. It started off with the idea of Sanji's aversion to men and the idea of internalized homophobia after the two year separation. Then the Big Mom arc hit and my little ZoSan heart went all aflutter with the angst that would throw this relationship into. 
> 
> Some addition tags/warnings: the Zoro/Law might fall into infidelity depending on your views. I didn't officially tag it as such because I don't see it that way given the nature I've chosen to portray their relationship (open), but hey. Viewer discretion is advised.

Sanji can still remember their last night together with astonishing clarity.

It was during their first visit to Sabaody, mere hours before everything went to shit. Zoro was still injured from his moronic stunt on Thriller Bark and even yelling too hard tended to reopen the wounds.

Surprisingly, there was no argument that led up to this coupling. Not even a light, snarky exchange as was standard at the time. Just them in in one of the rooms Shakky had provided for their stay, a murmured, “Promise me you’ll be more careful.” followed by roughened fingers carding through his hair before pulling him in close for a kiss.

Sanji still recalled how the bandages felt under his fingertips as he rode Zoro. How full he felt and when he moved his hips just so, he could feel the swordsman reach just a bit deeper within him. The bite of Zoro’s fingernails when his grip tightened as he tried to stave off his orgasm until Sanji reached his own. How Zoro lost that battle, and yet it was the feeling of him pulsing rapidly inside of Sanji as his hips helplessly undulated beneath him that sent Sanji over the edge.

Several red stains blossomed through Zoro’s bandages thanks to his muscles remaining helplessly tightened as his orgasm lasted a bit longer than usual. Sanji later offered to be the one to change them, mainly to avoid the embarrassment of Chopper smelling the cum stains that thickly covered Zoro from his chest to his lower stomach.

It was not only their last time together, it was the last time Sanji had sex period.

-x-

“The spring here is wound a bit too tight, though, because when Luffy came in to check it out, he hit the lever over here and this bit over here launched and POW! right in the eye! And then, ‘cause he’s rubber, it SHOOMED right back at me!”

Sanji watched in amusement as Usopp’s wild gesticulating very nearly knocked his small contraption right off the counter.

“Before I fix it though, want to see if we can trick Zoro into hitting the same lever? We can test his reflexes.” Usopp asked, carefully pushing his invention further away from the edge of the counter.

The amusement dimmed and Sanji took a drag from his cigarette to hide the drop in his grin.

“You can, but I probably shouldn’t.”

Usopp’s brows drew together in concern. “Why not?”

Sanji leaned forward to rest his elbows on the counter as he reached out to fiddle with one of the safer buttons on the box. “Idiot’s mad at me. Has been for a while.”

Usopp’s frown became one of confusion. “Really? I haven’t noticed that at all…”

Sanji wasn’t surprised by the admission. Normally, when Zoro was angry, he’d either snap at Sanji at the drop of a hat and they’d fight, or he’d go out of his way to annoy Sanji and they’d fight. Now, though, Zoro’s anger had been subtle. He no longer met Sanji’s eye when they spoke. Their conversations were kept short, thanks to Zoro’s one-word answers and grunts. The gap kept between their bodies when they took the time to watch sunrises and sunsets felt like a chasm. 

It was a new development that had been around ever since Sanji’s return from Big Mom.

“Well, want to see if we can get Franky to do it instead?” Usopp suggested.

Despite knowing of four other ways he should be spending his time, Sanji happily agreed and followed Usopp out of the galley.

-x-

Even before Sanji voluntarily left, his relationship was Zoro was strained. They still got along alright, despite bickering as always, and went out of their way to share their peaceful moments together. Zoro would relax in or near the kitchen. They would seek one another out so that they could watch the sunrise and sunset together, the space between their bodies near nonexistent despite the tension.

 But all of that wasn’t anywhere near where it was before their two-year separation. Back when Sanji was comfortable enough with himself around Zoro for their relationship to be physical in more than a desperate one-off sense as it once was when the crew first formed. Back when Sanji would save Zoro’s snacks and drinks for last so that he could stay and pour each of Zoro’s servings of sake. Back when it wasn’t uncommon for them to disappear for an hour or so afterwards, with casual touches in the following days that left the crew softly smiling at them.

For all that his time at Kamabakka Kingdom had helped him, it really messed Sanji up.

Zoro never complained, though. He would prod from time to time, but never pushed and never started fights over it. He simply allowed Sanji to take the lead and patiently waited as the cook struggled to work through his new internalized homophobia.

It was because of that steady presence that the scene before him felt like such a slap in the face. Zoro standing stoically by the railing, looking out over the distant waves. Law approaching and leaning against the railing at Zoro’s side. A tilt of the head to look back at the swordsman while asking him a question. Vigilant muscles relaxing and smoothly bending at the waist to lean against the railing as well. Elbows out wide enough for upper arms to meet and stay touching.

Sanji very nearly inhaled his cigarette with how sharply he breathed in.

He _knew_ Zoro. He knew him well enough to understand that level of intimacy was not lightly offered. What he couldn’t understand was…why? He and Zoro were nakama. So why…?

Sanji wasn’t stupid. Zoro was upset with him for leaving; it was pretty apparent in the way Zoro would barely meet his eye now and give him short answers. In the gap between their bodies during quiet sunsets and sunrises.

But Zoro was never the vindictive type. That meant this development was a natural one – something that obviously blossomed during his time together with Law in Wano Country. During his time away from Sanji.

With a sharp turn on his heel, Sanji turned and walked right back into his kitchen. The drink tray was set down with a clatter on the dining table as he continued on to the counter, where he gripped the edge tightly to stop himself from noticing the light rocking of the ship.

Not once had Sanji ever taken advantage of what he had with Zoro. He never pretended or hid anything, regardless of where he was mentally. So wouldn’t that at least warrant some kind of warning if Zoro was moving on?

Trembling fingers reached up to pull his cigarette from his lips so he could let out an explosive breath.

Perhaps this was a temporary development, considering Law had his own ship, crew, and goals to return to. But if that were true, Zoro would have been slumped against a wall, closer to the kitchen. Or up in his training room. Not responding to Law’s casual body language here on their ship. In their home.

The ice within the drinks were mostly melted by the time Sanji was ready to come back out to face everyone.

-x-

They weren’t exclusive. Sanji’s love for women was far too deeply ingrained for him to simply stop, regardless of how his heart would flutter when Zoro’s head hit his shoulder as he nodded off, leaving Sanji smiling softly by his side while enjoying the winding down party on his own.

Zoro was also the recipient of a surprising number of sexual favors if left to his own devices in any town for more than an hour. It was how people tended to repay him for saving them or unknowingly helping them out, he had once explained with an almost sheepish shrug. Sanji’s teasing for _that_ precious gem of information was merciless, but Zoro put up with it since it often ended with Sanji actually carrying through on offers of sexual acts if he was good.

Regardless of where they deviated, they always left their outside romances behind on the islands.

-x-

Despite having a submarine that could be easily navigated against tides and weather, the Heart Pirates continued to sail alongside the Thousand Sunny. Bepo insisted it was because the nearest island was a well-known trade port and would be perfect for restocking everything they were running low on. Law said it was because his crew cried when he pushed for them to just move ahead.

If it weren’t for the fact that Luffy had joined in on the crying fest, Sanji would have called bullshit. Law wasn’t one to be swayed by his crew’s threats of mutiny. Luffy, however, was a force no one was allowed to resist. 

Sanji did his best not to mind. Having extra bodies wandering around from ship to ship meant more snacks to prepare. Plus, he was able to exchange some promising recipes with the Heart’s chef. It also gave him an excuse to avoid Zoro as he did his best to settle with this long-term change.

Granted, avoiding Zoro only worked if Zoro avoided the kitchen.

“Thirsty.” Sanji lip-read as he glared at the man in question over the blender.

His gaze slipped over to the trays of drinks he had been preparing. The one closest to Zoro was holding glasses that were overly decorated and clearly meant for the girls. Shutting off the blender, he fished out an empty mug and poured its contents in. Walking the length of the counter, he set the drink down hard and went back to prepping glasses for the rest of the crews.

“You got a problem with it?” Sanji demanded when Zoro simply pouted at the beverage without touching it. He usually added a shot of some type of alcohol to Zoro’s drinks, but hell if the asshole was getting any special treatment while Sanji was still nursing a broken heart.

Picking up the cup, Zoro continued to frown at it. “What’s going on?” he demanded.

That certainly caused Sanji to pause. “Huh?”

“You’re avoiding me,” Zoro pointed out, finally cutting to the heart of the true reason why he was here. “What happened?”

Sanji had no idea how he was expected to respond to that. Zoro wasn’t naïve enough to believe Sanji wouldn’t find out about him and Law. Was he daring Sanji to call him out on it? Was he looking for a fight? This didn’t feel like the start of their usual fights. Was this his invitation to talk about it? Would he expect Sanji to just be okay with it? To treat it like a normal fling despite obvious lingering feelings? Whatever the point of this confrontation was, Sanji did not have the energy for it. Not right now.

So he gave a shrug that was mostly lost in his arm movements as he finished pouring the rest of the drinks. “You started avoiding me first. I just chose to follow your lead, Mr. First Mate Swordsman, sir.”

The nickname curved the blow enough for Sanji to leave the kitchen as Zoro puzzled his way through the meaning of the words.

There were no further confrontations after that.  
  
-x-  
  
The day had started off typically enough for a port visit. People announced what they planned on doing on the island, Nami dished out money and warnings to lie low, and everyone went their separate ways.  
  
Well, Sanji tried to go his separate way.  
  
Somehow, Zoro managed to switch places with Chopper and make himself the self-appointed pack mule for the tensest shopping trip of either of their lives. Neither of them had any intention of starting the conversation that needed to happen, but both of them were in full defensive mode just in case that dam did break.

This was why, with a potted plant balanced on his head and two more in each hand, Sanji was caught completely unaware while in the midst of a screaming match with Zoro. (“The _fuck_ we suddenly need an herb garden for??” “What part of ‘the shopping cart does not speak or complain’ do you fail to under—”) If not for Zoro suddenly grabbing him by the back of the neck and yanking him down, Sanji would have lost his head. As it was, the rosemary took the hit. So did the mint and lemongrass in rapid succession as Sanji whirled around and threw them at his assailant who turned out to be a marine, with numerous other marines behind him for backup.

The melee that followed was nothing the duo couldn’t handle with the amount of trust they still had in one another. In fact, they had the upper hand when a sound reached Sanji’s ears.

_‘ka-chink’_

Heart skipping a beat, his eyes immediately darted down to his wrists. They were unadorned, but Sanji continued to stare, not understanding why the explosive cuffs his sister had placed on him were no longer there. He heard it. They should be there. Just like he should be back with the Vinsmokes. Standing up to his brothers only to get beat down by them for being inferior. Always struggling to keep up. To do his best. But his best was never enough. And when it wasn’t, his own father would encourage his brothers to come back and jump on him. And kick him. And punch him. Until the sound of a bone cracking would echo through the courtyard. Only then would one of the many doctors be permitted to come forward and tend to him.

And from there the whole process would repeat. Until he was once more shoved into a mask that hid his face and locked away deep underground where each day would be a waiting game to see if his brothers would pay him a visit.

Distantly, Sanji was aware of a bruising grip on his shoulder, jostling him almost violently. The sounds of the battle around him were a distant white noise, as was Zoro’s frantic expression hovering before him.

Near the bottom of his peripheral vision, a blade of red appeared. And just like that, the world snapped back into focus. Because that was the tip of a sword. Protruding from Zoro’s stomach. Gaze darting up to Zoro’s face, Sanji watched in horror as blood dribbled down from Zoro’s lips.

Not giving himself a chance to think, Sanji wrapped his arms around Zoro and took off for the sky, determined to get back to the Thousand Sunny as fast as possible.

-x-

“What happened?”

Sanji paused briefly at the entrance of the sick bay. “Something that won’t happen again. I’ve got it handled.”

“You’re handling of it caused me to get stabbed in the back and collapsed my left lung.”

Sanji flinched at that, unable to meet Zoro’s eye. He knew well how shameful it was for a swordsman to sport any scars on his back. It was a sign of him not facing his opponent.

Instead of coming with up a response, Sanji continued into the room and set the plate of food on the bedside table. When it became apparent Zoro wasn’t going to get any type of explanation despite the angry guilt trip, he sighed.

“There are a million things I feel like I could say to you right now. And you’re just proving to me that not a single one of them will matter.”

Sanji’s hand trembled from where it still hovered besides Zoro’s dinner. He quickly pulled it back and tucked it into his pocket.

“You just…left. As if…” the pause was weighted as Zoro decided on how to phrase his words. “As if everything you had here didn’t matter.”

“It mattered,” Sanji corrected softly. He was unable to feel offended at the accusation. Just hurt.

Zoro scoffed. “Then it didn’t matter enough.”

It mattered to the point that Sanji was learning meant the world to him, but he didn’t know how to explain it in a way Zoro would likely ever believe. Not after such a heavy betrayal. So rather than plead his case, Sanji decided to change the subject and tackle the elephant that had been hovering between them for the last few days.

“You and Law seem to have struck up a nice friendship in my absence.”

“You left to get married without looking back.”

The lack of denial struck deeper than Sanji expected. He pulled his lighter out of his pocket and began to play with it, wishing he could smoke without having to worry about Zoro’s healing lung.

“Right. So I should have just…” he took a fortifying breath, “expected to see that you moved on so quickly.”

Zoro turned his head to look at Sanji incredulously. “You fucking _left_ to go and get _married_.”

“You’ve established that already.” Sanji snapped. “Did you conveniently forget the part where I said I would be back?" 

“Right. You would come back after your marriage, with a wife Luffy would have happily accepted into the crew so long as it guaranteed your return. And you thought, what, that I would be fine with stepping back and keeping my mouth shut and acting like a good chunk of our history never happened?”

Sanji was shocked. “You really think I would do – I never planned on allowing the marriage to go through in the first place!" 

“And yet Luffy’s favorite part of the story is the one of how he burst out of your wedding cake as you stood on the alter, seconds away from saying ‘I do.’”

“There were circumstances we had to meet—”

“And there were needs I had to have met.” Zoro cut in, steel in his eyes. “I’m well aware of how you are around women. Regardless of how she was aligned, she sounded perfect for you and you would have happily joined your life with hers if Luffy hadn’t butted in. So don’t you dare try to prod into any of my affairs I engaged in while you were gone.”

He was right, and there was absolutely nothing Sanji felt like he could say in response. With his teeth gritted and throat tight, Sanji turned on his heel and left.

-x-

“He drank too much while you were gone.”

The shift of Sanji’s gaze was the only movement to mark his surprise at being approached. Law never reached out to anyone for small talk.

“He always drinks too much,” Sanji shot back, returning his attention to keeping guard of Nami’s trees. Now that Zoro was on the mend, Luffy had taken to returning to the Thousand Sunny more often than not, taking advantage of the lack of watchful eyes.

As such, he missed the small shake of Law’s head. “He drank to the point of lushness.”

Sanji snorted. “That idiot can knock back barrels’ worth and still not be drunk.”

“It became a vice,” Law continued. “He refused to function without alcohol in his system. I tried to use it as a means to get him to cooperate, but it didn’t work. So, I turned to other means for his cooperation instead.”

It took a solid second for the full implication of the admission to sink in. The whiplash in his neck was sure to ache later.

“You…”

“I wasn’t prepared for the repercussions that came with the action, but I embraced them regardless. I told myself it was just for the sake of the mission, but you Straw Hats have this way of barreling into things…”

Sanji suddenly found himself wishing he were anywhere else on the ship.

“I don’t know how you found out. It ended once he knew you were back. Regardless, I want you to know that I did not intend—”

“Don’t.” It came out harsher than intended.

A hefty breeze kicked up, and for a while, the sound of the sails competed with the leaves.

“My crew and I will be branching off tomorrow. Zoro will be well enough by then to allow for the minor exertion of moving himself back to your ship.” Law seemed to be at a loss of anything else to say, because those became his parting words as he headed back down the staircase to the main deck.

-x-

“It was a panic attack.”

The silence stretched on long enough that Sanji was sure Zoro was going to spend this day ignoring him under the pretense of sleeping just like he had the last few days whenever it was Sanji’s turn to guard him from sneaking in workouts. Fortunately, he was proven wrong.

“The hell were you panicking for?” Zoro’s voice came out scratchy as he came out of his light nap.

Sanji sighed. “I wasn’t panicking. I was…being bombarded by old memories. Bad ones. Chopper said it’s a symptom of PTSD – Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.”

The shift he heard against the sheets let him know he had Zoro’s full attention.

“From Kamabakka Kingdom?”

Sanji’s eyes widened in surprise and confusion at the throwback before his mind quickly put together the dots. Considering how drastically their relationship had changed after his two years there, it made sense that Zoro would come to such a conclusion.

A memory resurfaced. Back to when they had reunited on Sabaody and Zoro had brought his hand up to Sanji’s back to get his attention. His reaction had embarrassed him so badly he couldn’t even meet Zoro’s shocked face as he stuttered out a cross between an apology and an explanation.

He let out a sigh. “Yeah, there’s that, too. But what happened to me during the fight – that was thanks to Big Mom’s Island.”

Zoro was never one to offer up phrases like “Tell me about it” or “Talk to me.” In fact, it was pretty rare for him to care about a person’s story at all. He preferred to rely solely on his instinct about people (or Luffy’s instincts, when he was feeling particularly indifferent). But his steady stare spoke volumes.

Sanji knew he would need to share his story if he wanted any hope of meeting Zoro halfway so that they could salvage their relationship. So with a bracing inhale, he chose which of the two stories to tell first, and began his tale.

-x-

The next morning found Zoro napping against the kitchen wall after breakfast, a spot he hadn’t occupied for months.

-x-  
_Epilogue  
_-x-

Sanji was a dancer.

The second the music kicked up, he loved to jump into the fray and just move his body. There was something magical about letting sound take over your soul and using your hips and limbs to put words to the emotions that filled you as a result.

Zoro wasn’t a dancer.

When it came to parties and celebrations, he was perfectly content to sit on the sidelines with a barrel of booze and observe the revelry going on around him with dangerous grins and his own brand of mirth.

This is why it came as such a shock when Sanji turned upon feeling a tap on his shoulder and found Zoro standing there like a solid wall amongst the rest of the writhing bodies. He had felt Zoro’s eyes on him most of the night, but that was hardly anything new. This though…this was something entirely unheard of until now.

The longer he stared, waiting for Zoro to explain what had possessed him to get up and push his way through the celebrating crowd to get to Sanji, the redder Zoro’s face became as the words just didn’t come. Taking pity on the swordsman, Sanji reached out to place a questioning hand on Zoro’s waist. In response, Zoro’s hand came up to rest lightly on Sanji’s shoulder.

The aversion to the touch was drowned out as Sanji continued to meet Zoro’s determined gaze.

“You think you’re capable of keeping up with me, Mosshead?”

“No.” Zoro’s grip became more assured and he took a step forward, closing the gap between their bodies. “But I think you’re capable of meeting me at a pace we can both work with.”

Sanji’s grin was crooked as his other hand curled around Zoro’s forearm and traveled down to intertwine with his fingers. “You just don’t want me to kiss their lovely princess goodnight, do you? And after all that hard work we did—” He cut off with a laugh at Zoro’s pout.

“Deal with it, Shit Cook. Just let me be jealous this one time.”

“Fine.” Sanji lightly kicked Zoro’s feet to where they needed to be positioned. “But only if I get a goodnight kiss out of it.”

Zoro leaned in, his lips brushing Sanji’s ear. “I’ll give you anything you’re willing to take for this dance.”

They both knew Sanji wasn’t anywhere near ready to take things as far as they used to go, but that didn’t stop the words from shooting straight to his groin.

He goofy smile proved to be contagious as Zoro laughed and dragged them along in the fray until Sanji recovered enough to properly lead their first dance.

**Author's Note:**

> I live for the mental image of Sanji screaming at Zoro while balancing three potted plants. Makes me wish I had more artistic talent to sketch it down on paper.


End file.
